I'm Totally Unoriginal - And I'm Okay With That!

First, I was reading archived copies of one of my favorite blogs and I found the MOST HILARIOUS entry I have read yet.  Please, please, go read it.  My stomach is killing me - I feel like I did 1000 crunches I was laughing so hard.  And the pictures!

Anyway, I like the format, so you may see it start to appear here randomly, especially considering that I've already done one post in a similar format.  Maybe I will experiment with it here.  Ok, official first run of the Quick Takes post format...

ONE: Pregnancy hormones suck.  I woke up in a good mood this morning (despite the fact that my alarm went off at 7:15 am so I could take out the damn trash and recycling).  It was sunny out, it was pretty balmy, considering that it was foggy as can be just east of where our house is, and the Peak looked awesome.  This afternoon, I was tired.  Early this evening I was Depressed.  Then, I read through some blog entries (see above, re: hilarious post), and now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard and I keep chuckling to myself.  Also, I just talked to Chad and so I'm in excellent spirits.  But I still think pregnancy hormones suck.

TWO: I want to know why, when I sit in the SAME EXACT PLACE, my cell phone service suddenly switches towers so I drop a call mid-sentence FOR NO REASON.  It's not like I was walking around my house and went down into the basement and was surrounded by concrete so my cell service suddenly dropped to like 1/4 bars.  I mean I was sitting in my bedroom talking to Jarvi on Saturday with four full bars of 3G service and then the call dropped and I looked and I only had 1 bar of E service.  WTF universe?!

THREE: Why is it that the creepiest people in the mall are those skincare-product people?  They always chase you around wanting to squirt lotion on you.  Do I look all dry and patchy??  (Wait, don't answer that.  Because of the aforementioned pregnancy hormones, I actually am currently dry and patchy.  But at least be polite and don't call attention publicly to my shame, thankyouverymuch!)  And really, that's like buying people scented bath products for other people.  Unless you know that I really like the Moonlight Path scent line or the Lavender Chamomile aromatherapy line from Bath and Body Works, please don't buy me bath products.  Unless, of course, you're trying to tell me I have B.O.  In which case, please be a Good Friend and pull me aside privately to tell me.  Otherwise, you're just trying to mask B.O. with perfume, which I found to be a vast problem in large European city crowds.  Also, P.S., in case you're just trying to be nice and buying me some bubble bath (which I wouldn't take as a "You have B.O." hint, because frankly you would be encouraging my mental health), please don't do so unless you remember that ANYTHING with VANILLA scent in it will make me violently ill.  Seriously.  I had a student in my first year teaching who wore vanilla perfume and I had to get another teacher to watch my room so I could go throw up.  Not kidding.

FOUR: Twitter.  I do not understand Twitter.  At all.  I looked it up on Wikipedia.  Go ahead and laugh at me, Internet.  I do not understand.  I update my status on Facebook.  Do I really need to tweet too?

FIVE: **Disclaimer** This is my personal opinion.  I think Jon and Kate Gosselin are terrible.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's super organized, etc.  But can I just say that I wasn't really surprised when he started stepping out with other women.  Have you ever watched an epidsode of that show?  Every time they were sitting on that little couch, she was ridiculing and belittling him.  Frankly, he lasted longer than a lot of other people would have.  Does that excuse his current douchey behavior?  Absolutely not.  I'm just saying, it takes two....

SIX: Those Duggars are crazy.  Eighteen children?!  Holy canoli.  Who would want to birth 18 kids?  Obviously, Michelle Duggar.  But what motivates them to keep procreating?  Seriously?  Who would even have the energy to procreate at the end of the day with that many kids running around.  Sure, they just married the oldest one off, but still.  Wouldn't you be sick of changing diapers after 21 years?  Twenty-one years' worth of diapers.  Holy crap.  Pun intended.

SEVEN: My neighbors are idiots.  Not necessarily the people on my immediate cul-de-sac, but there are definitely some idiots in the neighborhood.  We have an abundance of wildlife here.  Coyotes, foxes, racoons, rabbits, mule deer, bear.  BEAR.  Not to mention the vermin like mice, chipmunks, etc.  SOMEONE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS FEEDING THEM!  They do not need your help.  How many dead animals I have seen on the road right outside the neighborhood I can't even begin to tell you. These idiots are messing with Darwinism.  If the damn animals aren't smart enough to scrounge in the trash cans in the 45 minutes they are out and full before the garbage man comes, then so be it.  They're not cute - they're destructive.  They poop in my yard!  There is a reason I don't have a dog - I don't like having to walk around my yard to scoop the makings of some animal.  It's bad enough having to scoop the makings of the cats from the litter box (shut up RIGHT NOW about toxoplasmosis.  I don't want to freaking hear it!!).  They eat through the camp chairs we have on the back patio to sit on while the kitties wander around the yard eating grass.  They pee on the back door!  They get trapped in the backyard when the gate doesn't lock properly and I'm scared completely skinless to try to fix the problem because I do not see deer as Bambi - they are Wild Animals and are not cute and harmless (Bambi's mom would tear you a new one if she felt threatened).  If I go out into the yard and try to prop the gate open, I risk being hooved to death by an enraged and frightened deer or startling the deer who then destroys our lovely CUSTOM fence which would be impossible to replace (and no, we couldn't replace the fence with vinyl because our HOA voted that down in May).

EIGHT: Grammar.  Seriously?  There is a difference between your and you're.  There is also a difference between there, their, and they're.  Same with for, four, fore, and to, two, and too.  None of these are interchangeable.  Please people, take the time to figure it out.  I will forgive you the usage of who/whom.  That one is slightly more complicated.  But for the love of God, I may scream the next time I read someone using you're (you are) in place of your (possessive).  GAH!!!

I'll Leave the Clean-up to People Who Get Paid for That, ThankYouVeryMuch

First, let me state that I totally respect everyone else's labor decisions.  I don't know what's right for you, only for myself, and I'm pretty sure that my own notions will change once I find myself in the thick of it.

Having said that, respecting others' decisions does not mean that I understand them.  For instance: Homebirthing.  Really?  Labor is Messy.  Are you kidding me?  I can understand desiring the comfort of your own home and no nurse coming in every 20 minutes to poke you.  BUT having to clean up the mess in your own home?  NO THANKS.  I would much rather leak all over the hospital, the hospital's bed, the hospital's gowns, the hospital's towels, etc.  I would also much rather, should I accidentally "make" while pushing, do so on the hospital's floor.  I already have to clean up "makings" from the cats and will soon be cleaning up the "makings" of a Little Baby Human.  But all of the fluid and the blood, and let's not forget the after birth - no thanks.  I'll let people who GET PAID take care of all of those things.

Something else I don't get: elective cesareans.  Seriously?  I would never CHOOSE to have my entire abdomen sliced open from hip to hip.  Sure, you don't have to go through labor, but I have NOT heard good things about the recovery process.  No thanks.  I'd rather take the pushing and ring of fire and all that other stuff (in a HOSPITAL or birth center) than to be almost completely cut in half.  Granted, an emergency cesarean = totally different story.  Even a cesarean after having previously had a cesarean.  But I've read studies on women who choose to have a cesarean because they think it is better for the human body.  Really?  Let's weigh the evidence here, shall we?  A Recent Study which says that cesareans are better for women's bodies or, I don't know, Millenia of Evolution and Human Reproduction.  Gee, which would be more reliable?  Now, I'm not discounting science and medical research.  But going completely against centuries of human survival just sounds completely asinine.  The human body has evolved all kinds of coping mechanisms to deliver a child.

Coping Mechanism #1: the hormones coursing through my body that currently make me feel like I'm a turkey on Thanksgiving day and someone is currently trying to REMOVE MY THIGH by WRENCHING it violently from the socket.  It also makes all of my other joints loose, which means that I woke up this morning with a shoulder that felt like it was completely separated from the rest of my body.  This will make my hips separate enough to pass a Little Baby Human through there.

Coping Mechanism #2: all of my internal organs migrate.  I can't walk up the four stairs from the family room to the kitchen without huffing and puffing.  This also means that my digestive tract is pinched - 'nough said on that front.

Coping Mechanism #3: in order to accommodate the growing Little Baby Human inside me, my digestive tract has slowed down to allow for greater absorption of nutrients from the foods I eat.  Again - 'nough said on that front.

There are numerous others, but frankly, I'm tired now.  LOL  Again.  So I'm going to pick the kitty up and make her take a nap with me while I continue growing this Little Baby Human.  And praying that there's only six weeks left, instead of eight.  And frankly, I have two of the cutest cats ever.  See for yourself.