Bit Your Quitchin'

You know, looking back on some of my previous posts, I have to admit I'm slightly appalled at my self-pity.  I recognize that I wasn't fully in control of my emotions (pregnancy and depressions can do cruel things to an otherwise self-confident and competent, independent woman), but still.  The whining.  It's, quite frankly, humiliating.  Sure, I could go back and edit my blog to remove those posts, but really, if you're reading this, you know me, and therefore, I don't need to impress.  Besides, the point of my blog is to express myself, and like it or not, I have good days and bad.  Thankfully (and I'm not being sarcastic here), I have chemical help these days.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who has a familial history, as well as environmental factors which contribute to, postpartum depression utilizing a little zoloft to stabilize the churning chemical soup that used to be her brain.

Frankly, you guys, I still have bad days.  But I am reminded every time I turn around how much worse it could be.  I could have been a victim of a natural disaster.  I could have had a much higher-risk pregnancy than I did.  I could be a widow; with a 7-month-old.  But the possibility that is most frightening for me is the fact that I could have faced a crippling diagnosis: cancer.

My family has a history of cancer.  Both paternal and maternal.  All kinds.  But cancer isn't really a concern for most twenty-somethings.  This is why I admire my cousin, who is also one of my closest friends.  A few years ago, in memory of her maternal grandmother, she got involved in fund-raising for the Susan G. Komen foundation for finding a cure for breast cancer.  She has participated in a few of the 3-day For a Cure walks (60 miles, 3 days), which requires a pretty hefty fund-raising entry fee.  She has captained (is that the right term?) a team, and last year, she herself was diagnosed with cancer: thyroid cancer.  The thyroid controls all sorts of things in the body, and now that she is sans thyroid, she has to rely on medication to regulate the feelings of body temperature (always feeling chilly versus always feeling too hot) and body weight - and it takes a while to achieve the correct balance.  I admire Christina so much because she faced her diagnosis head-on and took a very active approach to her treatment.  She blogged (and still blogs, fyi) about her experience, to share with other thyca survivors and those who know thyca survivors so they don't feel so alone.  She was there for me to discuss my concerns and fears for Wylie and to commiserate with me when I would hear, "Well, if there's a defect to have, it would be a CCAM!" (She often heard that thyroid cancer was a "good cancer".  Does anyone else cock their head to the side when they read that??  Good cancer?!)  Now, she is facing more testing and waiting to see if she has an autoimmune issue which affects the salivary glands (read: painful swelling of the facial areas AND dry mouth).

So, I want to take this opportunity to count my blessings.  And I want to dedicate this post to Christina, who also has good days and bad days, but is one of the bravest women I know - not because she is so strong, but because she is honest and admits that she is scared/worried/in pain/human.  She is not brave because she has no fear, but rather, she is brave because she tackles her fear.  And even though I don't always know the right thing to say, I want her to know that I love her and admire her.  I also want her to know that she always has a place to stay and an ear to fill.  Because God only knows that sometimes, you just need someone to listen.

Good friends, good times

So went up to Denver today to go to my friend and former mentor's baby shower.  It was so great to see her!  It's been almost a year, maybe more, since I last saw her.  She had gotten a different job during last school year, so she was at a different school.  Then her father up in Denver got really sick and died suddenly so she and her hubby moved in with her mother to help with the house payment (her father didn't have life insurance).  So it's been quite some time since I've seen her.  It was awesome to see her and her sisters and mother today.  But it kind of made me sad.  I wish that I could see her more, but since she's an administrator now, her work schedule is crazy.  Not to mention, you know, that she lives in Denver.  But hopefully we'll be able to keep in touch better.  I really do miss having her here in town - she was the person I was closest to here outside of Chadley.

But, I digress - it was so nice to be at her baby shower.  She received so many beautiful, handmade gifts.  She also received lots of little helpful things, like the fold 'n' go diaper kit or the forehead scanner thermometer.  She got a ton of other things too.  It was nice to see so many people there to celebrate her and the baby.  But I do have to say, Jenn is hilarious.  She is clueless about babies and baby stuff!  She held up a package of onesies and paused because she couldn't tell what they were.  I guess she let her husband do most of the registry.  Most people would say that's a bad thing, but you don't know her hubby - he's really the feminine personality in the relationship.  And he did good, let me tell you from having scanned the registry.

So, out of all of these handy dandy gifts, what did I get her?  Well, I got her a diaper cake.  That I made. It's wasn't totally pretty, I don't think, but I guess it was pretty good for a first effort.  You decide:

Meanwhile, I totally haven't posted any of the pictures from our Wisconsin trip.  So, here are photos of my adorable baby!

Meanwhile, there aren't any viable pictures of the teeth yet, nor is there viable video of the little tyke rolling over.  Oh yeah, did I mention that Chad bought me a Kodak Zi8?  So as soon as there is viable video, you can bet that I'll be sharing it!  Hope you enjoyed the photos, Internet!

A Gloomy Day

Well, after another fun night of waking up at 3 am and not being able to fall back asleep until 6:30, I find myself in a weird spot today.

I'm really missing my friends back home. I love Colorado and I love it out here, I love our house and everything, but I really wish right now that we lived closer to everyone. I keep reading in these baby books and online that all of these people will be right there to help you and that when people offer to help to take them up on it after the birth. But that won't apply to us. None of our family are here to help and the only one of my friends who may be here to help out would be Katie Jarvi, but that all depends on her schedule and when I actually go into labor.

I guess I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed by the lack of actual physical support but I still feel like there's so much we don't have yet. If it weren't for my cousin Christina and my mom throwing me showers while I was back home, I would've never had one. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones, but I'm starting to feel really negatively about having this baby so far away from everyone back home. Back home I have the support system that all of these books talk about - my family, my friends, my in-laws - but here, I just have friends who I'm not really all that close with. At least, thank God, Chad will be here for labor and delivery. He might have to leave some time in January, but that's still nebulous, so I try not to think about that. And at least my mom and dad are coming for Thanksgiving and my in-laws are coming for Christmas, and Jarvi is for sure coming out in February, if she can't make it out for the birth. She's the only person other than Chad who will possibly be here for that very first part.

I don't know. I've just started feeling pretty negatively about living so far away from everyone who I've known for so long. It's hard, because I can't wait to meet my son and to see Chad being a father, but at the same time, I just feel really resentful of living so far away right now. It's not that I don't have friends out here, it's just that I don't really feel like they are friends I can really lean on. So if you live back home, and I call you up in the very near future, please just be a little kind - I'm feeling a little homesick is all.