Going back and reading over some of my previous posts, as well as having more than enough time to myself to think, I'm trying to figure out what I did to put myself in my current isolated situation. Sure, I still have my friends and family back home, and I still have Chad, who is wonderful. But when I moved out here, I knew no one. When Chad came home from Iraq the first time, I started to make friends who understood (i.e. other wives of the guys on his team). I also made friends at work.
We went out together, went to each other's houses. We emailed, texted, facebooked, etc. Then I got pregnant! I was so excited. A couple of my friends were pregnant at the same time, though they've already delivered and I thought to myself: Awesome! I have friends who are traveling this road right ahead of me; this is going to be great.
I made plans to travel back to Michigan to visit friends and family at the end of June/beginning of July. And suddenly, when I came home, it was like I was a leper. Right about this same time, we received the prospective diagnosis (which was later confirmed) that our son may have a CCAM (if you've been reading a long, this is no longer may-he does). I called some of my friends and left messages for them. No return calls. I texted them - no response. I commented on some of their posts on facebook and emailed them. Most usually, I got the same response - none. Now, I know that sounds like I was being a crazy-stalker friend - I wasn't. These are all over the space of the last few months. I understand that people get busy. But so busy that you can't reply to an email or facebook message or text in 1 to 3 months' time? Don't think so.
So now I find myself trying to figure out what to do. I've joined some mom's groups online, but most of the women who post there seem kind of neurotic and not really like the kind of people I'd like to have knowing where I live or what my cellphone # is. Some of them only meet at member's houses - again, not quite ready for that. One article I was reading on babycenter.com suggested meeting moms at playgrounds - great, when my son's able to play on playgrounds. Meanwhile, I'm just supposed to what? Wallow in self-pity and loneliness? Don't get me wrong - Chad is great at listening and talking to me, but I'm alone all day at the house. And he does occasionally have to go away for work trips - those are usually so frenetically paced that he has time for a quick chat at the end of the day.
I just don't understand what, if anything, I did wrong. I don't know why suddenly, these women who I thought were my friends, decided that they had enough friends and that those numbers didn't need to include me. It's not even the fact that some of these women have infants - they still make time for other girlfriends. I would understand if they were simply consumed by caring for their newborn, I promise. But more and more it just seems like no one makes time for me. I spend more time with Chad's friends now than I do with mine. Unless, of course, you count the cats as my friends. Then, since I'm at home all day, I obviously spend the most amount of time with them.
I don't know. Maybe they just didn't like me all that much to begin with. Maybe they just don't know what to say since the CCAM diagnosis so they say nothing at all. I really don't know. But I do know that this really, really sucks.
11 months ago