Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'll Leave the Clean-up to People Who Get Paid for That, ThankYouVeryMuch

First, let me state that I totally respect everyone else's labor decisions.  I don't know what's right for you, only for myself, and I'm pretty sure that my own notions will change once I find myself in the thick of it.

Having said that, respecting others' decisions does not mean that I understand them.  For instance: Homebirthing.  Really?  Labor is Messy.  Are you kidding me?  I can understand desiring the comfort of your own home and no nurse coming in every 20 minutes to poke you.  BUT having to clean up the mess in your own home?  NO THANKS.  I would much rather leak all over the hospital, the hospital's bed, the hospital's gowns, the hospital's towels, etc.  I would also much rather, should I accidentally "make" while pushing, do so on the hospital's floor.  I already have to clean up "makings" from the cats and will soon be cleaning up the "makings" of a Little Baby Human.  But all of the fluid and the blood, and let's not forget the after birth - no thanks.  I'll let people who GET PAID take care of all of those things.

Something else I don't get: elective cesareans.  Seriously?  I would never CHOOSE to have my entire abdomen sliced open from hip to hip.  Sure, you don't have to go through labor, but I have NOT heard good things about the recovery process.  No thanks.  I'd rather take the pushing and ring of fire and all that other stuff (in a HOSPITAL or birth center) than to be almost completely cut in half.  Granted, an emergency cesarean = totally different story.  Even a cesarean after having previously had a cesarean.  But I've read studies on women who choose to have a cesarean because they think it is better for the human body.  Really?  Let's weigh the evidence here, shall we?  A Recent Study which says that cesareans are better for women's bodies or, I don't know, Millenia of Evolution and Human Reproduction.  Gee, which would be more reliable?  Now, I'm not discounting science and medical research.  But going completely against centuries of human survival just sounds completely asinine.  The human body has evolved all kinds of coping mechanisms to deliver a child.

Coping Mechanism #1: the hormones coursing through my body that currently make me feel like I'm a turkey on Thanksgiving day and someone is currently trying to REMOVE MY THIGH by WRENCHING it violently from the socket.  It also makes all of my other joints loose, which means that I woke up this morning with a shoulder that felt like it was completely separated from the rest of my body.  This will make my hips separate enough to pass a Little Baby Human through there.

Coping Mechanism #2: all of my internal organs migrate.  I can't walk up the four stairs from the family room to the kitchen without huffing and puffing.  This also means that my digestive tract is pinched - 'nough said on that front.

Coping Mechanism #3: in order to accommodate the growing Little Baby Human inside me, my digestive tract has slowed down to allow for greater absorption of nutrients from the foods I eat.  Again - 'nough said on that front.

There are numerous others, but frankly, I'm tired now.  LOL  Again.  So I'm going to pick the kitty up and make her take a nap with me while I continue growing this Little Baby Human.  And praying that there's only six weeks left, instead of eight.  And frankly, I have two of the cutest cats ever.  See for yourself.


  1. This is hillarious! The fact that I went through it all 3 1/2 months ago adds to the humor! FYI when you're in labor you don't see any of the mess!! Chad will see it all, but not you! LOL When your work is over you just stare in amazement at your beautiful little boy while they clean you up and the mess. I'm so excited for you Lace! I can't wait for the next 6 weeks to be done, but I'm sure you want them over more than me. :)

  2. Yeah, I'm really excited for the next six weeks to FLY, even though I know that they won't because I'm counting down. And the mess is exactly why I would never even consider a homebirth! LOL

  3. While i've been cooped up I watched a documentary on people that were very against anything but home birth without a midwife present. Personally, I think its a bit nutso [2 of the women were high risk] and I was gagging when they showed them giving birth on their beds and/or living room furniture! Hopefully they have a spare available - gross!!

  4. I watched a segment on the Today show a while ago and it said that the newest trend among middle-class, well-educated couples is to have a homebirth attended by a midwife- the couple they interviewed researched midwives and found one who was highly reviewed. Well, the woman labored for FOUR DAYS. The baby was stillborn, choked by the umbilical cord. Just another reason to have the baby in a location where they can do things like monitor the heartrate and make sure the baby doesn't go into distress. I'm just saying......

  5. Here's a thought - you can use a midwife in the hospital too. Someone who respects your wishes to be as natural as possible but with emergency backup seconds away if needed! 4Days and the hubs didn't think to call 911 huh? Sounds like they weren't so educated after all?

  6. That's kind of what I was thinking....

    And the midwife in the hospital, that's the route I was originally going. Some people are just so clueless. Yes, women have been giving birth for millenia. But I think it's stupid to refuse to use medical advancements that could/would be life-saving. You know?